I thought I would entertain your questionnaire:
1. What do you do if there is something you regret from the past (aka a boy you didn't just say "to hell with it I adore you" to) and it's genuinely too late now? What do you say to yourself?
I say "too late" is not in my vocabulary. Obviously there are some restraints that should be made if they are in another relationship that is bound by God, but even then it's never too late. You can tell them even then, just being conscious of the partner and involving them in the process. Does that make sense?
Also, just as a random thought, IF there was such a thing as too late, how would forgiveness work? What if you never got to say your sorry to someone to their face? does that make it too late?? Nope. There are other ways to seek forgiveness from the individual as well as yourself. Forgiveness comes in many different ways, Though it is best to always talk to the individual if possible. if what you have to say will cause more harm than good it's obviously not the right to seek that forgiveness in person.
I digress. I still say it's never too late.
I have thought about some of the boys I've dated in the past and some of them I still look back and think, what if I had just done this differently. Not to say I want things to be different from what I have, but sometimes I want to go back and not be the idiot I was with some boys. I found a letter that I want to share with you. I shared it with Adam, and told him that Mike very much reminded me of him. Mike was a guy I dated, but just wasn't ready for the commitment I guess. The X factor was missing, no matter how much I tried he was just "big Mike" to me. He did everything right, but it still didn't work out for some reason. He is married with 3 adorable children now and I sometimes wonder if I should just shoot his wife a letter and tell her how lucky she/we both are for finding the type of men we did. Though both are not perfect (I know) they are valiant knights of the Lord's Army. Protecting the family and truth.
BLAH BLAH BLAH, what about that letter? Well here it is....
Jess,
Hi. Sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you, but I wanted to be able to spend some time and thought into this. I have been thinking about you a lot and how things ended and I just want to share with you my feelings. I just got done watching, “Walk the Line,” and I could help, but think of the hot girl that took me to that movie. (If you can’t remember it was you.) Things have been hectic around here lately. I have been working for my cousin, Amy, still on political fundraising events. I have two new job offers as of this week which makes me excited. One is for Lavar Christensen who is running for Congress and the other is for Orrin Hatch. It pays off being a college grad and having the experience I have had with politics so far. Both parties have made generous offers, salary wise, to me and I am blessed for having either. I need to decide which one I will best serve in. Lavar has offered me the position of advancement director for all of his events and Orrin has offered me a job as a logistics/convention director. To be honest with you, I don’t know which one I will take, but I will be prayerful on it and probably should go to the temple for guidance. Cross your fingers.
I am still planning on taking the LSAT for law school, but I have pushed it back to October. I can take it in October and have all my applications in for the deadlines at the end of the year. That way I can be accepted somewhere for fall of 2007. That is still my goal and I will work hard to be ready. With these new salaries I can have my car and student loans paid off and have money in the bank before I gather more debt from law school. I will be traveling a lot with these new jobs with campaign around the state, so that will keep me out of mischief.
So nothing big going on. Just work and babysitting Connor, who is still the cutest baby of all time. J-Rod’s job that he was trying to get me at the surgical center didn’t work out, probably because he is full of crap, but that’s our secret. Everyone is well, my brother, Billy and his wife are expecting a baby in September. They are pretty excited. No kids for me yet, not that I know of. J/k. I am glad to hear things are going well for you, but I didn’t expect anything less. I knew that taking this job would be a blessing to you and the people of Kiev. You are a beautiful person and they are lucky to have you.
I had no idea any of that was going on. I sensed that you were not telling me something, but I figured it was none of my business. I just didn’t know if I did something to offend you or hurt you. I cared for you a lot and hope that wasn’t the case. I don’t mind that you were seeing other guys, that is cool, but I was left in the dark about it. About a week before you left, Justin and J-Rod, had told me about the other guys and I didn’t know what to say. I was hoping to hear it from you, but I had to wait until your letter. I am sorry if I ever offended you or anything. The thing that makes me sad is that you had a tough situation in your life and you didn’t tell me. I care that you were going through the worry about trying to please me and worry about me. I would have been fine with you saying that your dating other guys and don’t want to lead me on. I would have been fine with that. I am just sorry that you had to go through all of that worry.
The most important thing I want is for you to be happy. It sounds like you are having a great time with your teaching, and I am happy for you. I wanted to write you and just to tell you how I feel. Ever since our first date when we went to dinner with Becky and Jared I have had the biggest crush on you. I am not the best person in expressing my feelings so I never really came out and told you. I knew you were leaving in a few months and I didn’t want to come off as if I was trying to use you or lead you on. That is why I never tried to kiss you even though I really wanted to. I didn’t want to become too involved and then see you leave. But as time went on and we hung out more I really started to like you more. That is why it was hard for me to hear about other guys and how you went on vacation with one over New Year’s. I knew I wasn’t the only guy in your life, but when you start liking someone so much it is hard to see that. When I was with you I didn’t want to be out with anyone else. You made simple hang outs, like TNT or getting hot chocolate, super fun. You were one of the coolest people I have ever hung around. My feelings and actions to you were always genuine. I always felt so comfortable with you and told you things, like about my mission, that I have told few or no one about. I bought you flowers and things because I loved to see you happy and your beautiful smile. I treated you like you should be treated. You deserve nothing less from anyone else and should be treated like a princess.
Growing up with 3 sisters has helped me to see how to treat girls and to be aware of their feelings. If not my sisters would have beaten me growing up. Everything I did and said around you was who I really am. Except for the fight list, I am all talk on that, except for that Collin kid I still want to fight him. Every time I hung out with you I felt happy, except for the haunted forest which I am still scared of. You were always there for me in those few months when I was struggling through my last semester, (stupid non-traditional student), and when things weren’t going right. I would get a phone call or go to TNT and everything would be okay. I didn’t care about anything else when I was with you. I enjoyed every moment with you even with times like when I helped you with your art project or even going to pick you up when you were with your dad. I hope I don’t sound like a stalker or pervert or anything, but you were a blessing more than you know in my life. I don’t want to sound sappy or anything either. What I said to you at TNT was the truth. It was nice to meet Carlton, and some of the freaks, but I really only went to be with you. Don’t get me wrong, drinking Shasta as fast as you can, in the cold, with weird people, and chanting secret combination stuff is cool, but not a priority on my list any more. I love the song TNT, but the activity not so much. I had to get that off my chest.
Don’t worry about how we left off on things. I understand how you were feeling with having to leave, and I am happy everything is working out. I still use my sweat football blanket and have thought about eating cheese and jam bread again. (I just thought about it, not actually did it). That is what I liked about you the most is how entertaining you were to be around. I could make fun of you (sorry if it was wrong) and you would dish it back. You will be blessed for having to put up with me for three months.
I try to be a good person and read my scriptures and stuff. But you are always in my prayers and I truly do wish the best for you and that you are safe. I don’t know what will happen when you get home, but I wanted you to know how I felt about you. Keep in touch and send my best to your family. Be safe, keep up the fight list, and remember to smile. (Just remember the night when I listed all the great qualities about you to make you feel better.) Put your trust in the Lord if you get discouraged and listen to the Spirit. Thanks for telling me everything and keeping in touch. Take care. Mike
So a lot of that might have not made sense, but this letter is something I will always treasure because Mike taught me that I was worth respecting. And guess what he also taught me that he was worth respecting and that was something I didn't do. I feel bad, and though we made up and are still friends sometimes I wish I could tell him thanks again. And maybe, someday, I will.
2. What do you do if you wake up every morning with no idea what you want to do today, next month, and this whole year long?
Every day. But then I remember the big goal of things. I just want to be Happy. and that comes from no where but within. Silly and Simple, but it's the truth. Who cares if I go back to school? Who cares if I finish the quilt that has been sitting in pieces on my floor for almost a month now? NO ONE but me. AND so I get to decide if that one failure is really going to hold me back from being happy that day. Some days I'm not happy, but I guess those moments make the happy ones all the more sweet.
3. Where are the people at? Where do you find them?
People? I'd like to know. The people worth finding are the ones you can talk to about anything and everything. Ones that value your opinion and listen to it. Not the ones that are thinking about what they are going to say while you are talking to one up you. Those people are lame. And should be confined to some solitary location where they can all annoy the heck out of each other. Also, if they want to take the chijuaua that lives next door...they can be my guest.
Much love Lindsey.
-Jess
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